Something clearly went wrong
by Ann O'Neem
Summary: When he tried to escape from Death's clutches, Harry hadn't thought that he would have ended like that. But here he is. Young. Powerful (duh, Savior of the world here...) and in a world full of great men that really need someone to slap them some sense in their heads. Well, Harry's up for it. Crackfic. And maybe some romance. Maybe.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello my dear and lovely readers! Here's the story that I promised some days ago (it must have been the quickest chapter that I wrote in my life...)**

**Also, I'll precise some things now to make it clear: this story is pure crack. Seriously, it's like being high when you read it. There, I said it. And don't forget about the ever present perverseness of the characters. (Specially Harry. In fact, mostly Harry)**

**This story will have slash. A lot of it. And... A harem kind of pairing. But with a Harry like that, it's inevitable. Seriously. It is.**

**And now... I'll just excuse myself for the atrocious writing and grammar (I'm on a sugar rush so...) and let you read the story.**

* * *

Death wasn't like Harry J. Potter had expected.

Like... not at all.

To tell you the truth, the multiple times savior of the wizarding world had expected death to be a mysterious being shred by darkness and with its face covered by its hood. Also, with a deathly (oh the bad pun) scythe on par.

Not that.

Harry grimaced and took a preventive step back when Death glared daggers at him and he looked around him nervously. He was back at the empty King's Cross station. Except that he wasn't alone.

So there was Death (or rather its representation) in front of him. Sipping calmly its cup of chamomile tea without a care about the wizard's state of mind. (He was sincerely considering breaking down and cry like a little baby.)

Why such an act from the Savior/Survivor/Best-catch-of-the-century (voted by WitchMag every year)?  
Because Death wasn't the frightening and mysterious being that Harry had pictured when he reflected about his after-life.

No, Dearh was an old woman.

And it wasn't the gentle grandma kind of old woman. But the always angry and scowling kind of old woman who had a nasty comment about everything and never was happy about something. That kind.

See? Truly the most frightening thing Harry had faced in his life. Well, after-life not that it mattered.  
(Seriously, Harry wanted to see how would react Voldemort if the Old Snake had to face Death when her rheumatisms were being a pain in the ass. He was even ready to sell his soul to whatever divinity existed here to make it happen)

And then, as the recently deceased wizard was actually picturing Death hitting Voldemort with her cane (because she had a rod. A perfectly normal rod that wasn't a scythe. Harry was disappointed), Death cleared her troath and sneered at the dark haired man.

"You really took your time," she said with her croaking voice.

Merlin, she really sounded like Neville's grandma. Harry pursed his lips and tried his best to not imagine Death with that atrocious vulture hat. He couldn't and laughed hysterically while falling from his seat.

Death rolled her eyes with exasperation and she tapped her cane on the floor. Sobering immediately, Harry wiped his tears from laughing too much and quickly went back to his seat.

"So," he said casually and the old woman frowned at his tone. "You're death?"

She snorted and her wrinkles briefly vanished, revealing a young and beautiful face before coming back. "No need to use those roundabout ways, bratling," Death chastised and Harry almost wanted to nod and promise to not talk again. She was that intimidating. Also, rods could be deathly (another bad pun) in good hands. And what could be deadlier than Death (he was on a roll)? "We're here to talk..."

"Okay," Harry said and he thrummed on the café table that was separating them. (Well, if he had had the choice, he would have put more distance. Like a whole dimension between them...) "what do you want to talk about?"

"I want to take back my presents," Death said.

The wizard cocked his head and smiled bashfully while he rubbed his neck.  
"Weeeell," he drawled nervously and he gulped when he noticed how Death's eyes were glaring daggers at him. Again. It was probably because he had a knack with elders. Yeah, that must be it.

"What?" the mythical being asked harshly.

"It's not that I don't want to give them to you but..." Harry laughed nervously and shrugged. "I have no idea where they could be..."

"What?" Death repeated and the wizard had the strange impression that if he didn't correct his statement, he was dead. (Merlin, he really needed to stop those puns... They were going to be the death of him. Seriously, someone needed to stop him)

"Like I said," the dark haired man tried to explain. "I don't know what happened but I lost the Deathly Hallows..."

Death narrowed her eyes and Harry absentmindedly wondered if all those wrinkles could obstruct her vision. Then, the elder pursed her lips and the wizard quickly jumped on his feet to evade the (deathly) blow that had come from nowhere.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he screamed as he took refuge behind a panel advertising a famous perfume.

"You. Lost. My. Hallows," Death was literally fuming from anger and Harry eeped before jumping behind a pillar. "You're a really nasty little bratling."

The fact that she wasn't even screaming scared the wizard shitless. Seriously.  
Having an old woman waving menacingly her rod at him was way more scaring than battling against all those Dark Lords. Really.  
Even if she was smaller than him.

"You need a good spank, young man," Death declared and Harry gulped loudly.

"Okay, I'm out," he screamed when he saw the embodiment of death lift her rod menacingly and walk slowly towards him (well, she was old so running was out...).

He closed his eyes and instinctively concentrated to apparate somewhere else. However Harry hadn't thought about something crucial.  
He was dead.

So apparating was out of question. Yet, when the wizard noticed that he wasn't disappearing and that Death was seriously nearing him with her deathly rod (okay, he was going to stop there), Harry persevered and used all of his magic to make the impossible happen.

And just as Death was finally in front of him (it had taken her ten minutes to walk those two meters), the famous wizard vanished with a startling crack.

It seemed that even dead, Harry James Potter continued fooling Death and escaping her clutches. (Okay, that was the last pun)

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

When Harry noticed that he wasn't anymore in King's Cross station, he took some time to realise that he really didn't know where the hell he could have ended.  
So he did the first thing that occurred in his mind.

He opened his eyes and froze. Because all he saw were trees.  
Seriously, they were everywhere.

Also, there was something resting by his side and the wizard sighed deeply when he noted that the something was an old man. He was almost as wrinkly as Death. Maybe his divorced husband...

'_Sweet Merlin_,' the wizard thought while he considered his options. '_I really hope that this old man isn't a pervert and that he didn't rape me in my sleep..._'

As it seemed that the elder was out like a light, Harry swiftly observed his surrounding and raised an intrigued eyebrow when he took notice of all the trinkets that were in the seemingly wooden cave. The wizard didn't know if mad and ecolo scientist existed but he had the feeling that the old man was a lot like that.

And no, the jars full of eyes and other organs hadn't made him think that.  
Well, maybe a little. But just a little.

Harry gulped when one of the eyes in the jars clearly followed every of his moves and he tried to stand. But he immediately fell as his legs were shaking like a newborn foal.

Had he been drugged by the old man?

Harry blanched. Had he been raped? By an old man?

The wizard wanted to barf. Maybe on the stranger's face but he decided against that when he felt something that wasn't supposed to be there. How come his magic was around him but not in him?!

Harry hesitantly raised a hand and looked at it before taking a deep breath.  
Screw his problem with magic, he had a bigger problem there.

He wasn't going to scream, he was the all powerful Harry Potter, he wasn't going to panick like a little girl. The wizard took another deep breath and ignored the fact that he needed to exhale at a moment or another if he didn't want to die. Because he was still trying to understand why the hell his hand was the hand of a four years old child.

And also why the hell it had the same colour as tree bark.

Trying to keep his calm, Harry slowly observed his skin and his eyes traveled to his navel that was still covered by a white sheet. (It seemed more and more likely that the old man was a pervert...)

Calmly and slowly, the wizard lifted the sheet and looked with a blank face at his navel before puting the sheet down and closing his eyes.

'_In fact_,' he thought rationally while his heartbeat kept on running like a mad horse. '_Being spanked by Death doesn't seem like a bad idea.._.'

It was then that he snapped.

"MY HARRY JUNIOR! YOU, BASTARD!" Harry screamed while he jumped on his feet to kick viciously the old man awake. "WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?! GIVE HIM BACK!"

Well, there goes his calm.

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

"So, I'm your... How did you call it?" Harry asked with a calm and rational voice once he recovered from his little... crisis.

"Living clone," the old man explained and if was clear that it aggravated him that the wizard still didn't get it. "I created you to protect the Demonic Statue of the Outer Path."

"Do I really have to do that?" the dark haired asked as he scratched his arm to scowl afterward when he realised that it really was tree bark. "It sounds like a hassle..."

"I don't know what went wrong with your cells but I can't dispel you," the old man muttered under his breath, probably as annoyed as Harry from their predicament. "So you can't resign. I will not kill you for now as it seems that your chakra path is entirely different from humans... It's almost like summons'..."

"I totally was right," Harry drawled. "You're a mad scientist. And ecologist too because I'm not a robot... What the hell am I?"

"A living clone," the old man sighed deeply. "You're made from human's cells, a tree clone and some Demonic Statue of the Outer Path's cells. And something clearly went wrong..."

"I think that we could call the story of my life like that," the other commented.

The old man, his creator, snickered mockingly and cracked his knuckles.  
"You're not the only one..."

Harry rolled his eyes.

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

It took them some time to realize that Harry didn't age.

Seriously, he was still a bloody four years old. But with the mentality of an old geezer (his creator had rubbed off after some decades together...". In short, Harry was a bundle of joy.  
Mostly because his Harry Jr. was still missing.  
Yes, Harry wasn't a happy camper.

"Those chakra flares..." his creator suddenly muttered one evening when the kid was still brooding in his corner.

Harry ignored him and continued brooding. It was quickly becoming one of his forte because he had had years to perfection it. That and because his creator was a champion too.

"Harry," the old geezer told him. "Go see who's fighting."

The little boy continued ignoring him. A sudden flare of hot and dangerous energy surrounded the young wizard but Harry just blinked and took the magic around him to make a cocoon to protect himself from the malicious energy.

"Harry," his creator hissed. "I won't repeat myself..."

"Then give me back Junior!" he mumbled angrily. "I miss him!"

"How could you miss something you never had," the other sighed. His wrinkled deepened as he frowned. "I can't understand why you're so adamant about it."

"That must be because you don't have a sexual drive anymore," the kid shrugged. "I'm not an old fart and I need it, so give me back Junior!"

The old man rubbed his forehead and made sure that the bandages covering his eye were still in place. (Harry always was dizzy when he saw the empty socket)  
"How about this?" he asked with an annoyed voice because in his all life he hadn't been the kind of person who made concession. The only time he made one, he lost everything. (And suddenly he wondered if making a deal with Harry wasn't going to bite him in the ass later) "you go see what is happening out there and I'll give you a... Harry junior as you put it."

Harry suddenly turned around and looked at his creator with wide and sparkling eyes.  
"Seriously?" he squealed happily. "Oh sweet Merlin, that's awesome! Where do I have to go? Do I have to take something?"

"No," the elder slowly shook his head. "I don't need organs. Just the usual."

"Okay, I'll take all the funny looking eyes," Harry nodded and swiftly jumped out of their den. "Later, Mumma!"

The old man winced at the kid's last word and frowned harshly.  
"Why his mom," he muttered for himself. "Shouldn't I be his father?"

Silly man, he should have understood after all these years with Harry by his side that the kid never made sense.

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

Generally, when Harry had to run some errands for his creator, he just had to take a stroll in the forest and take down whoever he met.

However, today was a little different.

He passed next to corpses and stopped to swiftly to go through their possessions. They just had scrolls (not that they mattered to Harry but he took them) and sharp weapons that were called kunai. At least, that was what his creator had said.

The wizard ignored the weapons and went to check the strange headbands that the corpses wore. Then, he checked the corpses itselves and shrugged when he noticed that they had perfectly normal eyes. That was good, he didn't take a jar with him.

Harry continued his stroll and took down another person before stopping short in front of a cavern. He didn't know why but he had a bad feeling about that cavern.  
Maybe it had something to do with the familiar old woman who was sitting in front of the entry of the cavern.

"Death," Harry politely saluted as he bowed briefly before waiting for her next movement.

The old woman frowned and coughed before talking in her rasp voice.  
"The wizard bratling," she said and her eyes without any distinctive colour darkened considerably. "So you were here all this time..."

Harry tensed all his muscles and remembered every fighting lesson from his creator before taking a stance. Like this, if the being decided to attack, he could flee faster.

"I have no time for our petty arguments," Death shrugged and looked behind her shoulder before standing up and sighing. "There is a boy there that died before he should have. I can't take his soul."

"So you're going to wait there until his time comes?" the dark haired kid asked with an incredule look at the old woman.

Death shrugged again.

"Does that mean that if he lives eternally, you won't go after me?" Harry said with sparkling eyes.

The woman frowned heavily.  
"Listen here, young man," she began but the wizard swiftly cut her.

"Merlin's balls, this is like the best new ever! After the new that I'll finally have back Junior!" Harry screamed while spinning happily around Death.

And, before she could say anything, he disappeared in the cavern.

Death frowned.  
"He better not makes him immortal or I'll spank him," she mumbled angrily as she vanished in dark smoke.

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

The inside of the cavern were darkness. Pure darkness in fact.

Harry actually stumped on a lot of rocks and swore so many times that it wasn't even funny. Also, he had never hated so much his creator for not giving him shoes.

He finally got to the end of the cavern and kneeled on the bloody floor, his hands in front of him because he really didn't want to bash his skull against another rock.

And then, Harry remembered something really important.

He was a wizard. As in he could do magic. Without wand now that his whole body was like a wand (yeah, it was freaky but he wasn't complaining. His creator was way too strong and he needed something to protect himself when the old man snapped) so using magic was actually easy.

And using magic he did.

"_Lumos_," he whispered before a blob of light began to float in front of him.

The sudden light caused him to flinch. Then, he saw the body and shivered when he noticed the heavy rocks covered the right side of the body.

"Merlin," Harry muttered before getting to work on the body. "This will be a bitch to do..."

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

"What the hell is that?"

Harry ignored his creator's question and put carefully the body on his futon. He then made sure the now bandaged injuries were alright and dropped loudly on the floor once he was satisfied with everything.

"So?" Old geezer asked with a raised eyebrow.

"It's my ticket to immortality," the wizard shrugged.

"You're immortal as long as I am."

"But you aren't. So here's my ticket."

The old man sighed and shrugged.  
"Very well," he said. "Is he interesting?"

"Someone took his left eye," Harry answered. "And the other is just like yours..."

The elder tensed and he turned swiftly (for an old man that is) to get a better look of the unconscious boy (because it was a boy of course).

"So, can we keep it?" the wizard asked with a mocking smirk as he knew how much his creator liked those funny looking eyes.

The old man nodded silently.

**⊂((・x・))⊃**

It took the boy four months to regain consciousness. Not that Harry was counting the days or anything like that. Even if it had been four months, three days and six hours precisely.  
But he hadn't been counting. Nor his creator had.

A small whimper had came from the boy's mouth on the fourth month (three days and six hours) and the two other males had quickly went to his side.

"He's waking up, he's waking up!" Harry excitedly ranted.

His creator just sighed in exasperation and rolled his eye.

And suddenly, the boy opened his eyes and jumped in fright.

At this Harry smiled widely because it meant that he had healed perfectly the spinal cord injury and also because it gave him a deranged look. (What? He liked to scare people and his creator wasn't a very emotive person...)

"W-who... Whe'e," the boy tried to speak but as he still had his jaw broken, it wasn't very effective.

"I'm Pinocchio and this is Gepetto," Harry said while his smile widened when he clearly heard the old man snort. "And this is our lovely house!"

The boy slowly raised his left hand (the left side had been the only without grave injuries) to touch his bandaged face.

"How..." he mumbled.

"Magic," Harry shrugged while his creator seemed to have enough of his little chat and stepped closer to the futon.

"I am Uchiha Madara and that is Harry," he sternly pointed the kid who scowled at being treated like an object. "Who are you."

"U'hiha O'ito," the boy answered after a whole minute passed gaping at the old man.  
Harry rolled his eyes.

'_Sweet_,' he thought. '_Gepetto has another little boy to play with..._'

The wizard noticed how the boy was gazing with amazed eyes at his creator and tsk-ed.  
'_And it's a fanboy..._'

It was then that Harry noticed something really important.

Madara still hadn't given him Harry Junior.

* * *

**Will Harry get his Harry Junior? Who is this mysterious Uhiha O'ito? When will the fun begin? God, so many suspense!**

**But seriously, should I continue this story?**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yes, you're not dreaming, I finally updated this story! (It mostly took me time because I just couldn't write Zetsu character. So I just stopped caring about it)**

**And thus, my dear readers, I'll have to tell you something: this story will border the AU by moments (but with Harry, it was simply unavoidable) and yes, it'll have slash. Didn't I already say it in the first chapter? (Don't remember...)**

**Disclaimer: Nothing is mine. Except Harry's insanity. That's it.**

**So, here! Take this chapter!**

* * *

"What do you plan to do?" Harry asked as he watched the boy leave their den.

Madara shrugged and slowly turned to the dark being that was stationed in the ceiling.

"Zetsu," the old man said. "Follow him."

A shadow slowly seeped out of the ceiling and left the cavern after bowing curtly to the old man. Meanwhile, Harry folded his arms and hummed a tone under his breath.

"I'm soooooo bored right now," he muttered while glaring at Madara who was still doing some strange experiments in his dark corner (Harry had called it the '_emo corner_').

"Then why didn't you follow him with Zetsu," the old man grumbled.

Harry shrugged and cracked his articulations. As he was made in wood, he had to move pretty frequently if he didn't want to be petrified. But the most annoying thing about his little predicament was that every time he tried to sleep, he ended up petrified and Zetsu always tried to eat him.

Well, he tried to. Not anymore.

It seems that an angry Harry was more than enough to scare shitless a carnivorous plant-boy. Not that it mattered to the concerned, they still hated each other guts.

"With my bastard of a little brother?" Harry exclaimed before puckering his lips and scowling in disgust. "No way in hell. I bet that he'll try again to kill me…"

"When will you two realize that you need each other to live?" Madara sighed in aggravation before rubbing his forehead.

Harry observed him in silence and clicked his tongue when he noticed that his creator looked now older than Death.

"Eeeh," the wizard drawled with a mocking smirk. "But, mummy, we only need you~ Until you die, that's it."

Madara frowned harshly and scowled at his failed experiment.  
While Zetsu had been a success, Harry had been the first and the Uchiha knew that something had really go wrong when he had created him.

Harry's soul, or being, was different from anything else. He couldn't use chakra and the genjutsu were uneffective on him. That last point was the sole thing that had let him live all those years. However, there was something else.

The boy could use nature chakra. Or at least, that was what it seemed to be.

Madara hadn't really seen him use it, Harry was really attentive to never do something in front of him or near him. Nonetheless, his creator knew of his abilities thanks to Zetsu. The latter had effectively told everything that he saw his brother do to their creator.

It was obvious that Harry hadn't appreciated that. Not one bit.

The four years looking boy shrugged as he watched the old man scowl and yawned loudly.

"You know what?" he muttered for himself. "I'll follow your little fanboy, he's the only one who can give me a sane conversation here..."

Well, if he wasn't talking about that crush of his, the Obito boy was actually pretty interesting. His ranting of a hidden village called Konoha were funny and way better than Madara's old stories about revenge and something along.

Madara shook his head and sighed deeply while his first creation vanished with a little poof.

"Sometimes, I really wonder why I let him live," the old man muttered under his breath.

But then, he remembered Harry's face whenever he asked him to give him his Harry Junior and the Uchiha smirked evilly.

Yes, watching that dejected face when the brat realised that he wasn't going to obtain his little Harry yet was the best thing.

[...]

Harry jumped and stopped on a brand tree next to his abhorred brother. The latter turned one of his eyes to glance at him before looking once again at the teenager that was petrified in front of bloody corpse.

The wizard frowned and pursed his lips when he clearly felt the magic around him hum loudly.

"What's going on?" he asked to the bicolored teenager by his side.

"It seems that the boy is secreting water by his eyes," Zetsu answered with a disgusted face. "He could have kept it inside."

Harry rolled his eyes and ignored the ranting of his dear brother. His black counterpart, while more silencious, was still as aggravating as the ranting (and white) part.

Suddenly, the wizard tensed and narrowed his eyes. The magic around him was restless and he didn't understand why. He looked around him, scanning attentively the perimeter and frowned when he noticed that the anomaly was coming from the corpse.

"Who's it?" Harry asked tersely while he fidgeted briefly on the branch. He was pondering if jumping to Obito's side or stay by his annoying brother's. The latter turned his bicoloured face to the wizard and snorted.

"A kunoichi from Konoha," Black Zetsu answered with a light shrug.

Harry puckered his mouth and began swinging on the branch. However, the magic around him gathered on his feet and he was glued to the bark. He pouted and scratched pensively his neck.

"Say," he muttered and Zetsu raised a brow while he folded his arms. "What happened to that kunoichi to disturb the mag- the chakra like that?"

The boy-plant smirked and tilted his head.

"Bijuu," he simply said.

Harry's eyes widened and he took a deep breath while the magic (or chakra, whatever was its name) around him began rumbling around him. His feet began to melt and fusion with the tree but the wizard didn't even care about it (even if it was going to be a pain in the ass to cut his ties with the vegetal).

"Which one?" Harry asked with a low voice.

"Three tails, not that powerful…"

The wizard nodded absentmindedly and his lower body began fusioning with the tree at the same time. Meanwhile, Zetsu did the same as he had noticed the Uchiha's more than unstable state.

That was the first time that Harry had been near a bijuu. It wouldn't be the last but it was the first time that the boy realised how much his life was intertwined with the beasts.

As he prepared himself to teleport to another tree, the wizard frowned when he clearly noticed how his magic was humming in happiness around him. Also, his body hurt a little.

He was finally beginning to grow.

[...]

"Like trees needs light and water to grow, you need something to do the same," Madara explained with his raspy voice while Zetsu kept watching the now sleeping Obito.

Harry ignored him and continued watching the stars from a crack in the wooden ceiling.

"Your… brother just has to absorb chakra and eat humans," his creator added while fumbling in his things to look for something (probably alcool. That old man loved getting drunk under the moon). "But you, even after all those years, you didn't need anything and never got old. However, today, it happened. Isn't ironic that it happened once you fed on the residual chakra of a Bijuu?"

"So I need those Bijuu's chakra if I want to get older?"

"And stronger," Madara completed. "That means that you'll be a crucial tool for our plans."

Harry snorted and decided to not tell his creator that he didn't intend to help him in his megalomaniac plans. He had enough being a plant-boy who didn't have genitalia, thank you very much.

The wizard took a deep breath and admired the stars. In his world, the night sky wasn't so pretty and he could understand why the centaurs were so against humanity.

He had already realised that his creator wasn't going to give him his little Harry. So that just meant that he had to look elsewhere to find someone who could manipulate wood and give him his sacred rod.

'_Well_,' Harry thought while stretching happily. '_I just have to wait for the old coot to die and then I'll finally be free to live._'

The following week, Uchiha Madara died.  
Blood loss from hemorrhoids.

Harry had never laughed so much at a funeral.

[...]

Several days after, once Obito (now called Tobi) decided where to go to begin Madara's megalomaniac plan, Harry parted his way from the two other males and stretched happily once Tobi and Zetsu disappeared in a wind of leaves.

However, the wizard wasn't as alone as he thought.

"What the hell are you doing here?" he uttered darkly when a familiar form appeared by his side.

White Zetsu just shrugged and scratched his cheek before smirking at the wizard.

"Madara-sama told me to watch over you," he answered calmly. "so it's going to be just the two of us!"

He hadn't even ended his sentence when an arm pierced his chest and the white boy blinked before laughing maniacally.

"This is priceless!" he exclaimed as blood began to spurt from his mouth and chest. "You didn't even wait a day to kill me!"

"Can't you die quietly?" Harry grumbled while he extracted his brother's heart.

He looked at the organ before shrugging and crushing under his feet. White Zetsu fell on the floor and stopped moving. Then, his body began to fade away and Harry groaned.

Of course, it had to be a clone.

The wizard shook his head and decided that he wasn't going to care about the plant's whereabouts. If Jusetsu wanted to follow and was ready to endure Harry's murderous intentions, the wizard wasn't going to refuse it. It was always great to travel with a punching bag after all.

"So where're we going?" the latter piped while he appeared from nowhere next to Harry.

The wizard rolled his eyes and used his magic to strangle the plant.  
It wasn't a clone this time.

Jackpot.

[...]

Harry's second meeting with a Bijuu was somewhere in a country called Kiri. He had tracked down the Three tailed beast's energy (or chakra. It seemed that this energy was a lot like the magic that Harry used. However, Madara had said that he used something totally different from everyone so it's not like it mattered to him) and was now in front of what seemed to be a ninja village.

The boy, now looking like he had five years old, stopped short in front of the entry gates and whistled as he admired the walls and ninjas that kept watch at the gates.

"So this is a Hidden Village," he whispered for himself.

Nobody answered him and he smirked for himself. It seemed that the correction from yesterday had scared White Zetsu enough to leave him alone for nom. And the wizard was going to use this time-alone very wisely.

"State your reason for being here, brat," one of the ninjas said once Harry stopped in front of him.

The wizard cocked his head and his smile widened until it became more of a grimace than a smile.

"I'm here to see the Bijuu," Harry honestly answered.

His eyes widened as lances and shurikens pierced through his arms and legs.

'_Seriously?!_' the wizard thought with incredulity. '_You answer with the truth and they treat you like that? That's it, I'm over with being a gentle and honest boy._'

"Call Mizukage-sama," the ninja who had transformed Harry into a pinned butterfly told his comrades. "I'll stay with this little bastard…"

Harry wanted to sigh. However, it seemed that with all the weapons that were on his body, it was pretty much impossible. The little boy closed his eyes and wondered why the hell he always ended in situations like this one. (He blamed Madara. The old coot was a masochist and his creator. Some of his masochistic streaks must have come in his gene pool)

Footsteps sounded just by Harry's right and the boy turned his head, at least tried to as he had a shuriken that pierced his shoulder and didn't let him move as he wanted.

A foot connected with the wizard's chest and the boy groaned with the impact. He opened wide his eyes when he noticed the magic rumble around him and his fingers twitched. Roots began to spread from his back and, as he still was pinned to the ground, nobody noticed it. The roots hid in the humid ground and Harry took a deep breath when he met the inquisitive eyes of a teenager with grey hair.

"Who are you, child? And why do you want to see me?" A deep voice asked him.

Harry blinked and he observed calmly the teenager. Then, as the magic settled around them, he attacked.

Roots emerged from the ground and went for the teenager's feet. The latter frowned and jumped swiftly to avoid the roots. However, he hadn't seen that Harry had escaped from all the weapons that pinned to the ground.

And thus, the teenager ended in the boy's wide open arms.

"Sweet Merlin," the wizard whispered as he hid behind the teenager's body as the other men were still going for his blood. "I suddenly understand why Mummy said that they were beasts of chakra..."

He briefly closed his eyes and let the magic around him tighten his hold on his body. The bark that was actually his skin creaked loudly and Harry began to laugh happily when he clearly felt his body begin to stretch and grow.

"Wh-what's going on!" the ninja that had pinned the boy earlier exclaimed as he watched his Kage be held hostage by a child.

The teenager didn't seem fazed by his peculiar situation and his pink eyes calmly observed the boy that was hiding behind him grow old excessively quick.

And then, once he had the appearance of a grown man, Harry stopped laughing and let go of the teenager's shirt. He swiftly jumped away, roots vanishing once again in his back and smirked at the grey haired young man.

"I'm Harry," the wizard finally answered as he stretched his fingers to see if everything worked alright.

"Why did you want to see me?" the teenager asked once again with a calm voice.

The wizard cocked his head and winced when the bark actually creaked and began to fall from his flesh. He frowned and scratched his recent injury to realise that his new being was actually disappearing right from the start.

"I didn't want to see you specifically," the man shrugged and winced when this time it was the skin from his shoulders that broke from the action. "I just wanted to see the Three Tailed Beast and... You know... Eat it."

The teenager frowned harshly and suddenly was right next to Harry with a weapon (shuriken noted Harry absentmindedly) pressed against the wizard's neck.

"Who sent you," the teenager asked to the now swiftly rejuvenating man.

"No one," Harry shrugged once again and groaned when he clearly felt the bark protest from the action. "I was just hungry and followed its trail."

"Put it in the dungeons," the teenager suddenly spat while he jumped away and vanished in a twirl of wind. "I'll discover which village sent him..."

Once again pinned against something, this time against the walls of the hidden village! Harry rolled his eyes and let the ninja put some kind of manacles around his wrists.

"With this, you won't be able to trick us again," the man chuckled darkly before pushing him in the village.

It was the first time that Harry entered a Hidden Village. Not that it mattered since he was already planning to escape from there.

The prissy teenager had said dungeons. Dungeons!

Weren't they ninjas?! Harry thought that they had better class than that.

He kept his head low as they crossed the whole village and just listened to the magic around him.

It seemed pretty calm and fluid, almost like water. Harry tilted his head when he sensed something strange in the flow. He turned his head and widened his eyes when he noticed what was perturbing his listening.

"Holy sweet Merlin's underpants," he hissed with a hyper voice as he almost choked on his spit. "Is that a human shark?!"

The teenager with blue skin just blinked before scoffing and kept walking.

Meanwhile, Harry was harshly pushed by the ninja and he frowned. Why did that rude man interrupt his fun? It was a human shark! A human shark walking among humans!

Harry wanted to open the teenager's mouth and see if he had a lot of teeth like the sea predator.

Also, he wanted to see if his little shark down there was shaped differently from humans.

Merlin, curiosity was killing him.

[...]

The moon had already rose in the misty sky when White Zetsu's head came out from the floor. Harry just raised a brow and folded his arms on his chest as he waited for his stupid brother's explanation.

"So," the latter began with an amused voice. "The Mizukage's dungeons? In no less than a day? Congratulation, older brother! I'm sure that Madara-sama'd be happy to hear that you ended in a cell two weeks after his death!"

The wizard rolled his eyes and finally decided that he had had enough of Zetsu's nagging.

So he just raised his arms and let the magic around him destroy the manacles. Then, he took hold of Josetsu and smirked at the man.

"You know what this means, right?" Harry asked with a light voice.

His brother shrugged.

"I won. Pay up," Harry's smirk widened as White Zetsu scowled and slowly began to morph into another person's body.

"The bet said that you'd end in the Bingo book too," he relented and the wizard just scoffed.

"After what I'm going to pull out, believe me. They will make a book for me. Or seven. I like that number."

[...]

"Yagura-sama," an ANBU called as he opened the door. "There is nothing about the boy in the Hidden Villages. In fact, there isn't anything about him anywhere. It seems that he appeared from nowhere..."

The Mizukage put his chin on his joined hands and looked with a bored face at the ANBU.

"What did else you find out?" Yagura finally asked.

The ANBU tensed and sweat rolled on his masked face.

"It seems that the boy uses a unknown genjutsu," the ninja answered. "He broke free from the dungeons and is now wreaking havoc there..."

The Mizukage didn't seem fazed by the news and didn't move an inch.

"Send the ninjutsu specialists," he told the ANBU after some seconds.

"Ninjutsu, sir?" The latter asked with a strained voice.

The boy that they were going against was using some unknown genjutsu and seemed to use a bloodline like the Hokuton and the Mizukage just wanted to send their ninjutsu specialists?

"He's just weed," Yagura calmly explained. "You just need to cut it at his roots."

[...]

"WOOOO-HOO!" Harry screeched as he used some magic to make him fly in the corridor.

He passed at mere inches from a ninja's nose and laughed happily when a rain of weapons fell on the place where he had stood mere seconds ago.

He avoided another blow from a kunai and took a step back when one of the ninjas began to attack the others. So Zetsu was going to help him in this battle. How sweet of him. (Still, Harry wasn't going to stop killing him when he was bored)

As he was back to his five years old body, Harry was now able to move like he wanted and he enjoyed it. A lot.

He avoided another salve of shurikens and suddenly froze when he felt the now familiar chakra of the shark boy.

"Hiya!" the wizard exclaimed as he made his feet take root on the ceiling so he could see the newcomers to his playground. "I'm Harry and you?"

The shark boy blinked and clenched his fingers around the hilt of his sword before smirking. This looked like it could be a good fight.

"Hoshigaki Kisame," he told him with a deep voice.

"Have you a shark like cock?" Harry asked and he had to avoid a rather sharp sword by the following second.

The boy swiftly rolled on the ground and ignored the others around him to point his finger at the shark boy and pout like a brat. (Well, he had the body of one so... He was a brat)

"Why did you do that?!" he whined like the kid he was/looked like. "I thought that... I THOUGHT THAT WE WERE FRIENDS, KISA-CHAN!"

"AH?" Kisame exclaimed as he tried to chop Harry into little bits.

"Weren't we the bestest friends ever?!" The wizard continued whining as he avoided expertly every attack from the ninjutsu squad.

"AH?!" The shark looking teenager repeated as he felt his brain stop from all the stupidities that was blathering the young boy in front of him.

"But then, you could be just shy," Harry added almost pensively. "Is it that, Kisa-chan? You're just being shy?"

Hoshigaki Kisama had never wanted so much to disappear from Earth. And to kill a brat.

Never.

[...]

Strangely, Harry escaped from the dungeons with an arm missing. Not that it really mattered as he could regrow it. But still, that Sharky boy had been good with his sword.

It made the wizard wonder if he could be as good with his other sword.

And that made him realise that he still didn't have his Harry Junior.

And thus, Harry decided to forget everything about the Bijuu (his hunger be damned) and to just go look for somebody who could give him what he most wanted in the world.

But Harry didn't know that his little stay in the Mizukage's dungeons had already changed things.

Mostly because the Mizukage sent ninja to all the other Hidden Villages to announce that there was a strange man going after the jinchūriki.

And one of these ninja was going to Konoha.

[...]

"Also, it seems that the boy is made of wood," the ANBU scratched nervously his neck and cursed his mask for keeping all his sweat on his face. He was slowly suffocating there.

"Wood," Yagura stated plainly. "Akasuna no Sasori?"

The ANBU shrugged.

"Send the Seven Swordmen," the Kage turned his head to look at the arm that was on his desk. "And keep watch over Hoshigaki Kisame. He must not die."

The ANBU frowned under his mask and finally nodded stiffly.

Once he left the room, the Mizukage raised a finger and threw a kunai to the dark corner of his room.

"State your intentions," he ordered with an icy voice.

"Tobi is a good guy, yes he is," a voice chirped happily while a man appeared from nowhere and greeted the Kage with a little wave of his hand. "And because Tobi is a really good guy..."

A red eye suddenly shone ominously and Yagura tensed.

"I'll make sure that my little friend doesn't lose something important..."

[...]

"So where are we going now?" White Zetsu asked with a bored voice as Harry walked faster than before his little stay in Kiri.

"To somewhere where they could manipulate wood," the wizard told him absentmindedly.

He was going to obtain his Harry Junior. That was it, no more doubts, no more '_Mummy will give him to me if I stay another day_'. He was going to take his destiny into his own hands and finally take a piss like a man. (And not release it in form of vapour like plants did)

"How about Suna?" Zetsu said as he shrugged. "They have good puppets."

Harry's eyes narrowed and he began smirking while he accelerated his steps.

"Suna then," he whispered sweetly.

Meanwhile, Zetsu smirked evilly and nodded to himself.

"He's going to Suna," he whispered to himself.

[...]

"Got it," mumbled Black Zetsu as he watched Tobi run in front of him. "We're going to Konoha as planned. Don't let him go there."

* * *

**So, a lot of things happened in this chapter. But still, so many question are left unanswered... Will Harry get his Harry Junior? Does Kisame have a shark shaped sword down there? Is there going to have any humor in this story? Will Josetsu have his rightful characterisation one day? Who's in Harry's harem? What about the real protagonist of this story, will he appear in the next chapter?**

**So many questions and so little answers.**

**Next chapter preview:**

_"This cuteness shouldn't be legal!"_

_"Stay back! Don't touch him!"_

_"Yes, you're the most cutest beast in the whole world, yes you are!"_

_"Is he... petting him?"_

**Review?**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back! Missed me? (You can lie and say yes)**

**So, in this chapter, things will go faster and there will be a lot of WTF moments. Don't forget that this is a crackfic. Sometimes, logic doesn't work. And I swear that I'm following the time line. It's just not very obvious because Harry's a lot like a tree, time passes and he doesn't really notice it.**

**I'll leave you discover what I mean by that~**

* * *

Okay, he'd been headed to Suna. However, this didn't look like the Sand country. Not at all.  
Harry blinked and turned to look at his stupid brother.

"Where the hell am I?" he hissed angrily.

"Somewhere in the land of Hot Water," the other plant-boy said with a little shrug.

Harry wanted to cry.  
But as his tears were made of sap, he decided to not do it as he needed that sap in his body. In fact, you could say that the liquid was almost like his blood. Yes, Harry had green blood. (Well, he looked more like a plant than Zetsu so it was pretty unavoidable to end like that...)

But, still, he hadn't expected to have a sense of direction so bad. Seriously, even in his teenager's days, he hadn't been so bad.

"This isn't the Sand country," the wizard plainly stated.

Zetsu cackled happily like the annoying little brother he was and folded his arms on his chest.

"Indeed, it isn't," the man confirmed with a wide smile. "But if you want to, you can always destroy some villages and make them sand! Then, you'll have your own sand country!"

Harry scoffed and used the magic around (chakra. He had to stop thinking that it was magic if he didn't want the other beings in this world to suspect him) to strike the plant-boy.

Jousetsu blinked and began clawing at his throat as he couldn't breath anymore. Harry smirked at him and began walking once again. This time without a direction in his mind as it seemed that he really was direction challenged.  
Meanwhile, the white Zetsu vanished as he had died once again by Harry's (metaphorical) hands.

The five years old kept walking in the dense forest and looked around him with curiosity when he finally noticed at road. As he hadn't really a goal in mind, he took the road and walked up until the sun set and the moon rose in the sky. And, as Harry didn't feel weariness or anything like that (he just slept when he hadn't anything else to do. And when Madara was being a pain in the ass. Pretty frequently so), the boy continued walking.

And then, he saw the village.  
It was a hidden village. Another one.  
Harry clearly felt the aura (chakra. He really had to call it like that) of another Bijuu but decided to not go after it. He was still trying to find his Harry Jr. and the beast was only a little meal. He wasn't that hungry.

"So..." White Zetsu suddenly appeared by his side and Harry frowned heavily. His rapidity of recuperation was slowly increasing and that was aggravating the wizard.

Because it meant that his alone time was slowly vanishing.  
Harry's fingers twitched and he growled ominously at his brother.

"Why won't you just stay dead!" He screamed when Jousetsu made another stupid remark about his direction-problem.

His magi- chakra suddenly tensed and pounced on White Zetsu who couldn't move when Harry just tensed his whole hand and the chakra made a coffin around the plant-boy.

"Nice try," Zetsu commented happily as his clone vanished under the attack. "But I'm still alive~"

The wizard groaned gloomily and began muttering under his breath.  
"I swear, you're some diabolical being sent by Satan.. Maybe a sacrifice to Him would finally shut you up..."

"Satan?" Zetsu cocked his head and blinked stupidly. "You mean Jashin?"

Harry frowned and folded his arms on his chest.  
"Does that Jashin cult imply terrifying beasts, dark curses, bloody massacres and bloody sacrifices?"

"Yep, he does!"

"Then I'm a Jashin follower," Harry nodded to himself. "I swear upon my magic that I'll give him all the stupid souls that dare cross my way!"

"You mean a Jashinist?" Zetsu corrected with a wide smirk on par.

Harry pondered over it and finally decided to just deal with it like he had always done.  
The chakra concentrated around him and he sent another flare at the plant-boy who winced as the chakra began to crush his whole body.

"I swear," Harry muttered lowly. "If it isn't another clone, I'll convert into Jashinism..."

It wasn't a clone.

"So, Jashinism it is," the wizard whispered to himself as he watched the dying man at his feet. "I wonder if Death is connected to that cult..."

She was.

⊂((・x・))⊃

The Hidden Village of Hot Water (or Yugakure like the locals called it) was a strange ninja village. As in, it had more onsens than ninjas. Seriously.

Harry blinked silently as he entered the hidden village and began smirking when he noticed a ninja get out of one of the onsen with a little kid trailing behind him. It seemed that the ninja had forced the kid to take all of his belongings and the child was mumbling under his breath, probably because he didn't like his task.

But the plant-boy didn't really care about the ninjas around him, he had a mission and he was going to do it well.

So he walked in the Hidden Village of Hot Water without a care for the world, Zetsu on his tail, and began whistling happily while people began pointing him with their fingers. They had probably never seen such a fine specimen he thought.

Or they were simply surprised by his plant-like appearance.

And thus, Harry calmly walked by and waved happily at the children who were looking with amazement at him before stopping right in front of the building where the Kage of Yugakure was supposed to work.

Harry put his hands on his hips and smirked slightly while Zetsu stopped by his side and looked at him by the corner of his eyes and with his Venus fly-trap on his shoulder (that had now finally emerged from his shoulders), he made sure to impress whoever was looking at them. The wizard blinked and his smirk widened when two ninjas suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Who are you and what do you want," the first of the two ninjas asked with a cold voice.

Harry merely waved his hand and shrugged.

"Not much, you know," he answered honestly. "I'm mostly looking for a map."

The second shinobi frowned and he slowly extended his hand towards his pouch. However he was quickly stopped by a vine that suddenly came out from the ground and wrapped tightly around his wrist.

"That's not very nice of you," Harry chirped with a reprobating frown while Zetsu snorted softly. "And here I was asking nicely..."

"Who are you," the first ninja insisted while the second glared at the vine.

"So I'm still not that famous, huh?" The dark haired kid muttered gloomily while he kicked a pebble.

"That means it's my win," Zetsu shrugged and he began to smirk evilly when he noticed how the two shinobi had tensed when they had saw his round teeth.

Harry scowled at his brother and harrumphed while he folded his arms on his chest. Meanwhile, the rest of the villagers, be it ninja or civilian, began to surround them while whispering at their strange appearance and behaviour.

"Who are you!" the shinobi asked once again with a stern voice.

Harry ignored him and observed their spectators. The ninja from earlier with the kid holding his things were there too and the former Survivor met the child's eyes. He winked playfully at him and smirked when he saw the kid scowl and ignore him.

"We are nothing but mere brothers," Harry finally answered with a shrug. "Just ask the Mizukage, we're pretty harmless people."

Zetsu snorted again, this time louder and Harry's smirk widened when he saw how the shinobi's eyes had widened in surprise and dare he say it, terror.

"You're the boy who invaded Kirigakure!"

Harry snorted and began to laugh loudly. "Invaded?" he repeated with disbelief. "I'm just a boy! How could a boy invade a village full of ninjas? Wouldn't it say how weak Kirigakure is?"

Suddenly, Harry was tackled on the ground and he frowned when a kunai was pressed against his throat. He glanced briefly at Zetsu and sighed when he noticed that his bastard of a little brother had vanished underground. So here he was, all alone in a ninja village and menaced by one of them.

Wasn't he the luckiest guy ever?

⊂((・x・))⊃

Once again enchained in a dungeon, Harry sighed heavily and glared at his captors. There were the pair of the adult ninja with the kid from the onsen. The plantlike boy sighed again and he met the gaze from the kid. The latter was frowning at him, probably miffed by his lack of reaction.

Well, it was true that Harry hadn't even tried to fight back when the ninjas had put their chakra seals (not that they mattered as Harry used the magic around him and hadn't the slightest bit of chakra in his body) and that he had settled quite peacefully in his cell. But he still had his mission in his head.

And he sure as hell was going to do it.

Harry tilted his head and met once again the kid's glaring eyes. They were a strange shade of pink, almost purple and he had silvery blond hair. Almost like Malfoy's now that Harry thought of it. And because the wizard had always liked to ruffle the aristocrat's feathers, he decided to see if the boy was easy to rile up.

"So," the plant boy began with a calm tone, "you go here frequently?"

The kid blinked and glanced briefly at the ninja, probably his master, who was reading some kind of scroll, before glaring once again at the wizard.

"I'm a rookie for the Torture and Investigate section," the kid said after a while.

Harry whistled and sat on his heels while he tilted his head and narrowed slightly his eyes.

"From what I see," the dark haired boy began slowly,"you'd be more on the torturer side than the investigator... Am I right?"

The kid, no more than six maybe, nodded reluctantly and folded his arms on his chest while his glare increased.

"So what of it?" he barked and his teacher glanced from his scroll before going to Harry's cell.

"What are you doing with the prisoner, Hidan?" the shinobi asked with his deep voice.

The kid blushed and glared viciously at the wizard who had put him in that situation before bowing curtly his head to excuse himself.

"I'm sorry, Yurushi-sensei," he muttered while his face shadowed in anger and the slightest bit of hate. "I got caught up in this stupid conversation..."

"Just stay on your guard, Hidan," the shinobi told him while he took out his weapon and pointed it to the cell door. He then narrowed his dark eyes and his hitai-ite glowed ominously in the light of the torches. "And you," he whispered darkly while he glared at Harry. "I heard about your little stunts in Kiri... You killed a whole squadron by yourself and without any weapon... It seems you're quite the taijutsu specialist."

Harry blinked and laughed softly. It seemed to perturb the two ninjas as the adult, Yurushi, frowned while the kid, Hidan, glared even more at the wizard.

"Taijutsu?" Harry repeated while he bit pensively his lips. "Isn't that some kind of martial art? I'm sorry but I'm really bad at it. Mummy was pretty pissed because I couldn't even do some kata..."

"Mummy?" Yurushi said while Hidan took a step back and walked to the shelves where all the torture tools were.

"You know," Harry shrugged and raised a hand to scratch his neck. However, the paper seals on his arms made it quite difficult and he resigned himself to his fate of not being able to scratch any itch. "My creator. Mummy. Don't you have one?"

"How old are you?" the adult inquired. Hidan was now back by his side and gave him a bag full of tools.

Harry eyed them with curiosity and began smiling happily. As he had now bark-like skin, he was way less sensible to torture as Madara had quickly found out during their little sessions where the old man tried to put some sense in his head. Without success of course.

"Old enough to be aware of perverts," Harry smiled brightly at the man and was happy to be rewarded by an angry twitch from the shinobi.

"It seems that we're going to have to use some... stricter means to find out more about you," Yurushi whispered darkly.

Harry beamed at him.

Hidan scowled. The boy in the cell seemed to toy with them and didn't even seem the least fazed about his impeding torture.

Yurushi-sensei, that old coot, ordered him by a simple glance to take their prisoner out and Hidan proceeded in silence. He was still in probation, having passed the test from the academy some days ago and he really didn't want to go back to his stupid comrades and get stuck in a genin team. Hidan preferred way more to stay in the T&I and torture some smart ass like the boy in front of him.

They didn't even have his name, just a description from the Mizukage and some rumors about the boy's abilities. Like how he had taken out a full squadron of ninjutsu experts.

So that's why they hadn't waited to put seals on the boy, impeding him from using his chakra or wide movements, and put him to rot in a cell.

However, the boy hadn't resisted and had just commented the state of his cell, saying that it was cleaner than in Kiri. Hidan had been the one to clean it on his first day in the T&I department so he had been glad for a second before glaring at the boy, sensing how the latter had been trying to manipulate him.

Hidan used ninja wire to chain the boy and forced him to get out of the cell before leading him to the torture chair. Once he was chained to it and couldn't escape, the rookie turned to look at his master and waited for the best to begin.

Meanwhile, Harry was sitting in the strange chair with both his arms and legs strapped to it and he tilted his head. If that wasn't kinky, he didn't know what wasn't.

The ninja called Yurushi took out a whip and Harry concealed a chuckle.

Yep, those ninjas were all a bunch of perverts.

"So, let me ask you again," the adult said with a clear voice. "How old are you?"

"How enough to recognise a pedophile when I see one," Harry answered as clearly.

Yurushi narrowed briefly his eyes before smiling brightly at the boy. He then turned to Hidan and lifted one finger.

"We'll begin slowly," he told to his apprentice. "Go fetch the salt."

"How kinky," the dark haired kid commented before shutting his mouth when the whip crackled against his though skin.

The bark creaked and began to crack while some sap ran on Harry's chin.

"Zetsu won't be happy," the boy said lightly while Yurushi wiped clean his whip. "He wanted to be the only one who makes me bleed..."

"Who is Zetsu?"

"My bastard of a little brother. Cannibal too. And he had some psychological problems as well. But nobody is perfect, right?"

The whip sprung once again.

⊂((・x・))⊃

When Hidan came back with the salt, the room was darker than before and he stopped right at the entry, his eyes narrowing while his pupils dilated. He took a sharp breath and winced when he noticed the heavy smell of blood that seemed to coat the whole room. The boy put the salt down and swiftly went for his weapon pouch. Even if he didn't really like wielding such little things as kunai and shuriken, Hidan was still deadly with them and he took two shuriken out while he carefully stepped in the torture room.

When he had left to go fetch the salt, the old man had been busy whipping the prisoner and the latter had bleed green blood. It hadn't really smelled like human blood so that heavy smell in the room could only mean something.

Yurushi-bastard was dead.

Hidan swiftly turned around and threw his shuriken at the thing he had felt moving before stilling himself when he noticed what he had aimed for.

"What the hell are you doing?" he exclaimed as he observed the prisoner with disbelief.

The boy had several injuries in his face but didn't really seem perturbed by them. Also, he was now bare chested and Hidan noticed absentmindedly that the boy had really brown bark-like skin everywhere. He was a freaky walking plant then. Also, the boy was covered in red blood and his green eyes were flashing with some unknown power while he traced some kind of things in the floor.

"Shouldn't you be running while screaming for your life?" the boy asked with a slight tilt of his head.

Hidan felt a shiver on his neck and ignored it. He wasn't like the other pussies in Yugakure, he could take that strange boy without any problem.

But still, that boy was doing some strange things to his dead sensei. Hidan noticed that Yurushi's corpse was at the boy's feet and that the shinobi's chest had been pierced by something really big as Hidan could see through his former teacher's chest.

"No," Hidan answered while he eyed the other boy and the corpse successively. "What are you doing?"

"A sacrifice to some evil god," the boy answered with a bright smile. "Because I swore that I was going to sacrifice all the stupid souls that I met. Your sensei was an asshole by the way. And a pedophile."

Hidan shrugged. The old coot had been the only one that had accepted to take him as an apprentice in the T&I so beggars can't be choosers.

"And why are you doing those sacrifices to that evil god?" he inquired, seriously interested by that strange boy's beliefs.

The dark haired kid beamed at him and happily pranced to his side to pull him towards the bloody corpse of his former teacher.

"You see," the boy said as he pointed the strange pattern that he had drawn on the floor with Yurushi's blood. "I kind of offended some high being so I'm using Jashin's name to appease her. That's why I use this pattern!"

The boy patted with his free hand the bloody drawing and Hidan cocked his head when he noticed the strange pattern. It wasn't like any seal he had seen. It seemed almost... foreign. And full of an unknown and exotic power. He eyed the circle with the triangle and a smile slowly appeared on his young face.

"Can you tell me more about this Jashin-sama?" Hidan asked and he was surprised when the boy squealed happily and jumped to smother him in a bloody hug.

"This cuteness shouldn't be legal!" the boy squealed while Hidan slowly fell himself grow accustomed to the strange boy's way.

Two hours and a sketchy explanation about Jashinism later, Harry left the T&I department with a map on par and the now dead Yurushi's coat. He quickly left the Hidden Village of Hot Water and once he was back in the forest, the sorcerer wasn't surprised to find Zetsu by his side.

"You smell of blood," the latter commented as he emerged from the ground.

"Sacrifices can do that," Harry shrugged and took out his map. "So let's see... The easier and faster way to go to Suna is... Going straight to Konoha?"

The wizard smirked and quickly tucked away the map in his new (and slightly bloodied) coat before smiling.

"Well," he exclaimed brightly. "It seems that we're going to visit Mummy's village!"

Zetsu narrowed briefly his eyes and closed them before disappearing once again in the ground while his older brother jumped to run in the tree branches.

"_He's going to Konoha,_" he told to his black counterpart.

"**That's okay..**." the other answered immediately. "**The Nine Tails will soon be released... We need Harry at that moment if we want Tobi to control it**."

⊂((・x・))⊃

"So this is Konoha..." Harry muttered as he stood on a tree branch and observed the peaceful village under his eyes.

Josetsu's face slowly came out of the tree trunk and he stood by his older brother's side in silence.

"Do you plan to go across it?" he inquired.

"_Mmm-mm_," the wizard muttered pensively. "I was thinking of meeting Tobi and Dosetsu, they are here, right?"

Josetsu stilled and his yellow eyes glared intensively at the boy.

"You are a chakra sensor," he stated slowly.

"As you are," Harry simply retorted. "Let's go, I want to see if Tobi became as emo as Mummy!"

Josetsu rolled his eyes and vanished once again in the tree while Harry did the same. Sometimes, being half plant was pretty handy, mostly when one was near the Village Hidden of the Leaf. There were magical trees everywhere, Harry was almost drunk of magi- chakra. He really should stop calling it magic.

They flickered back by Tobi's side and Harry was quick to engulf the young man in a smothering hug while Dosetsu snarled and went back to his cohabitation with Josetsu.

"**How fun, the whelp is back**," Zetsu commented darkly before adding with a lighter voice. "_Harry is ready to help us, he's a good boy..."_

"What do you plan to do?" Harry asked and he let Tobi escape from his hug as the man seemed about to faint from lack of air.

"Taking control of the Kyuubi once its Jinchūriki gives birth."

"Oh," Harry raised his eyebrows and looked at the village of Konoha. The stern answer of Tobi hadn't really surprised him, Emo-Madara had been his teacher after all. But still... Using the weakness of a woman giving birth to take power didn't seat well with him. "I see..."

"Will you help us?" Tobi turned his masked face to look at Harry and the wizard gulped when he noticed that the Uchiha's eye was now in his sharigan form.

"I'll see what I can do," Harry relented finally.

"_That will do_," Zetsu nodded curtly. "**Pay attention and don't annoy us..**."

Harry rolled his eyes and vanished from the clearing where the others were. He appeared back on his tree branch and sighed softly as he observed Konoha. He then used the heavy mag- chakra around him and coated himself in it, moulding it until it formed a Glamor. Once he looked like the adorable ninja from Yugakure, Hidan, Harry stepped down from his tree branch and appeared right at the entry of the Hidden Village.

Well, he had the whole afternoon free before Tobi called him on his duties so... Why wouldn't he do some wandering and tourist shopping in Konoha?

⊂((・x・))⊃

Uzumaki Kushina concealed a whine and continued pushing. The contractions were now almost constant and she knew that her baby was about to come out. Namikaze Minato, her husband, was by her side, his two hands placed in the justsu necessary to make sure that the jinchūriki seal didn't came undone. Kushina glanced at her husband and her teary eyes met his shining blue orbs before closing her eyes to push harder.

And then, in that atrocious pain that also synonym of life, she felt him and heard him cry for her.

"N-Naruto," she said softly while tears began to run freely on her cheeks.

Minato smiled when he saw his son and wife unarmed and he continued holding the jutsu while Biwako cleaned and covered Naruto in a fluffy towel. Kushina gritted her teeth and tried to regain control on the Kyuubi while Minato persevered and observed how his wife, even tired and battered by giving birth, was trying her best.

"You are really..." Minato whispered as he caressed softly Kushina's sweaty and crisped face. "An awesome woman, Kushina."

The red habanero smiled softly at him and they both looked at Biwako, wanting to admire their child, their legacy.

But they hadn't expected to see Biwako and their guards fall dead while a stranger masked jumped back with Naruto in his arms.

"Yondaime Hokage Minato," the stranger whispered with a deadly voice while he placed a hand above Naruto's tiny head. "Step away from the host... If you don't, this child won't live a minute longer..."

Minato and Kushina froze in horror.

⊂((・x・))⊃

This hadn't been planned at all. Like seriously.

Harry scratched his neck and looked around him before sighing heavily. Of course, he had to get lost on this important day. Of course. Curse his rotten luck.

The plantlike boy glanced around him and noticed that he was now in some sort of residential neighbourhood with a lot of big house and trees. He placed a hand against a tree and closed his eyes while he channeled his ma-chakra and listened to the nature.

So Zetsu was way farther than he had thought. And Tobi seemed to be somewhere in that Mont Rushmore lookalike. Harry listened to the chakra beat that the trees emitted in the whole Village and he tilted slightly his head when he felt something tied to the tree chakra. He frowned and bit pensively his lips. That was probably some kind of strange magical/jutsu/thing that Mummy had told him about.

What was it again? The flying thunder god something?

Harry shrugged and opened his eyes to find out that his hand had fused with the tree and he sighed. He hated when that happened, taking back his hand always took some minutes and when he had someone like Zetsu wanting to eat him, some minutes could cost him his life. He then heard something so familiar that it made him flinch and he slowly turned his head to find out that a man had apparated from nowhere with a baby in his arms. Harry slowly blinked and glanced at his hand. Still imbedded in the tree. Then he glanced back at the man.

The latter was a blond man with sparkling blue eyes (but they were now dark and panicked) and he wore the habitual clothes of a shinobi. But what interested more Harry was the baby in his arms. The child, who was crying softly, was emitting something along what he had felt that day with the corpse of the female shinobi friend of Tobi.

"Well," Harry drawled calmly. "Hello there. Are you perhaps related to a jinchūriki?"

The blond man tensed before springing and attacking the wizard with a kunai, his baby carefully held against his chest. As Harry was still connected to the tree, he didn't try to avoid the blow and blinked in surprise when the kunai stopped at mere inches from his right eye.

"_Who are you_," the man hissed ominously.

Harry shivered discreetly. So this was what Mummy had been talking about with intent to kill. Hadn't he been the Survivor who had killed the Snake without Nose, Harry would have crapped his pants. (Yes, he could crap.)

"Just someone who has a little problem with his hand," he answered as he pointed to his still connected hand.

The blonde frowned and Harry could almost hear his thoughts. The man was already pondering if killing him would come and bite him in the ass. So the wizard decided to take the matter in his hands.

"Your kid seems pretty young," he commented. "Where's the mother?"

The man flinched and he glared at Harry. The dark haired boy shrugged and he suddenly froze.

"Oh Merlin," he muttered. "This can't be good..."

"What are you taking abo..." Blondie stopped talking when he felt too the evil chakra seep and slither in the Village before a loud explosion sounded and the colossal Nine Tailed Beast appeared and began to wreck havoc in Konoha.

"Told you," Harry sighed. "Leave me the kid and get there to help your wife, would you?"

The blonde literally snarled and jumped back to get some distance between him and the wizard.

"Stay back! Don't touch him!" he hissed darkly.

"Hey," Harry raised his only free hand and pointed at his situation. Still tied to the tree and weapon less. "I was just suggesting it... No need to get so antsy about that... It's not like I can move, you know."

The blonde narrowed his eyes and glanced back at the Bijuu before glaring at the boy.

"Can I trust you?" he asked him with a deep and serious voice.

"I don't eat children," Harry answered honestly. "As I don't kill them. You can trust me on that."

"I know that you're the kid who wrecked havoc in Kiri," the blonde said as the tension began to increase. "Are you powerful enough to protect him?"

"Even Uchiha Madara couldn't best me," the dark haired smirked.

"That would do it then," the blond swiftly flickered in front of Harry and cut down his hand before handing him his son with a stern face. "I'm Minato and this is my son Naruto. Go to that house and protect him with your life. Will you do it?"

"I swear upon my magic that I'll protect your son until you come back with your wife," Harry said with the utmost serious.

Minato nodded once, kissed briefly Naruto's forehead and vanished with a startling crack.

Left alone with the snivelling Naruto, Harry glanced at the baby and sighed.

"Well," the wizard muttered. "Let's forget about Tobi's plan. How could I kill a baby as cute as you?"

The baby blinked wearily and his unfocused eyes settled on Harry's pensive face before closing. Naruto yawned softly and Harry caressed the baby's round and warm cheek with his recently freed hand.

"For a jinchūriki's baby, you're already very strong, Naruto," Harry commented as he walked to the house.

⊂((・x・))⊃

When a village is under a chakra Beast's attack, what should you do?

Harry's answer was pretty evident.

Babysitting.

So here he was, the terrible and feared plantlike boy who ate Bijuu, looking after a recently born baby while the baby's parents were somewhere fighting for their lives against the chakra Beast itself.

Also, Harry was beginning to get hungy. And Naruto, the most adorable baby ever, was emitting this strange chakra. It was almost like a jinchūriki except it wasn't. Maybe it was because he was the child of one. Who knows.

Therefore, Harry leaned his chin against the bed where Naruto was sleeping and closed his eyes. He could feel the Bijuu's chakra outside and he was already feasting on it, protecting the baby from the evil effects of it without even knowing. And then, as Harry's eyelids were getting pretty heavy and Naruto was sleeping quietly (_Best Baby Ever by the way_), the roof blew out and Harry bolted outside of the house with Naruto in his arms.

The baby began to scream and cry while Harry gulped when he met the eyes of the Nine Tails.

"Merlin!" Harry gushed while he made sure that Naruto wasn't in danger in his arms. "That fox is so frigging cute!"

He also was appreciating how the evil chakra was now seeping on his body, making his bark creak while he began to grow old once again. The Kyuubi snarled at him and Harry, now in his adult body, held Naruto against his chest with an arm while he raised the other and stopped his hand right in front of the beast muffle.

The Kyuubi exhaled and the dark miasma destroyed all the vegetation around them. However Harry just relished on it and he felt his mag-chakra increase. It seemed that the eviler the chakra, the better for him.

"Aren't you a real cutie?" Harry commented as he patted softly the beast nose.

The Kyuubi snarled and closed his mouth on Harry's hand. However, the wizard was faster than him and continued patting his muzzle. Naruto gave a loud whine and Harry glanced at him before looking at the colossal fox.

"Oh sorry Naruto, I got absorbed by his cuteness! But don't worry, you're as cute as him!" he immediately told the baby while rocking him softly in his arms.

Naruto blinked and laughed happily as every baby does when he's surrounded by warmth and peace. Even if he wasn't really surrounded by the warmest or peaceful person ever.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Kushina crouched next to Minato and they both looked at their destroyed house before stopping their eyes on the lithe body of a young adult that was holding their son.

"Is he..." she muttered with disbelief. "Petting him?"

Minato nodded softly, his blue eyes opened wide as he took in stride how the young boy whose he had given Naruto was now an adult and that he wasn't doing a good job at protecting his son.

Because, really... Petting the Kyuubi wasn't considered like the safest thing ever. At all.

"Yes, you're the most cutest beast in the world, yes you are!" the young adult suddenly exclaimed with a cutesy voice.

Minato seriously feared for his son's life now.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Tobi ran a hand through his hair and sighed wearily. While taking control of the Kyuubi had been exhausting, he hadn't expected this at all. Seriously.

Why the hell was Harry, Madara's strangest creation, holding the Yondaime Hokage's baby in his arms while petting the Kyuubi. Kyuubi that wasn't anymore under his control by the way.

Tobi was seriously wondering if Harry was actually suicidal. And also, he had noticed that Harry was now in his adult form and he couldn't help but notice that... the boy had things that shouldn't even be there for a man...

"Is that...?" he asked to Zetsu.

The other plantlike man nodded and sighed heavily while he watched his older sibling dance around the Kyuubi's tails that were trying to kill him while singing praises about the Beast fluffiness (whatever that meant).

"_**Yes**_," he confirmed with a dark voice. "_Those are female appendages_. **That whelp is our fated mate...**"

Tobi thanked his mask as it covered his rather green face. So Harry had been... _That_ during all this time? Did he... Errr... She even know?

* * *

**Before you kill me after discovering that last revelation, yes, I planned Harry to be female since the beginning. But I still use '_he_' because he's a boy in his mind. Like a transsexual, ya know?**

**And it's still slash for me because Harry thinks of himself as a boy. And he'll act like one whenever he wants to get on it.**

**So that's it, chapter ends here. How about a review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**Seems that I'm on a roll and as I really liked your reactions after that revelation, here's the new chapter!**

**Also, some people said that I should have warned you that this story had a genderbent Harry. But then, could I really say that it's a plot twist when everyone know that it's going to happen?**

**And concerning the final pairing, Zetsu is going to have to fight if he wants Harry. Because he won't be the only one who wants a bit of the tree boy/Survivor... Also, didn't I say (multiple times too) that this was a crackfic? All crackfics have crackpairings, right?**

* * *

Death leaned on her rod and rubbed pensively her chin. Well, this hadn't been planned.

She mused briefly on her next actions. The jinchūriki woman was now dead, killed by Kurama the Nine Tailed Beast while she protected her baby. And all of that in front of the Harry Potter lad.

This wasn't going to end well, Death thought quite grimly. She was going to have to do some extra hours now. And here she was, wishing of a good lemon tea...

She felt the jinchūriki woman's soul appear by her side and Death cocked her head to glance at her. She was a young woman with fire red hair and sparkling green eyes. Didn't she look a bit like the Potter lad's own mother? That meant seriously bad news.

Death sighed heavily and made a brief hand sign to the now deceased woman to follow her.

"Let's talk elsewhere, my dear," she crooned. "Things will get frisky in a matter of seconds..."

The soul frowned and glared at Death who was slightly miffed by that act. Wasn't she respected anymore?

Well, she still had that Hidan lad who was making daily sacrifices for her. Maybe she should give him some recompense.

And then, the lad who had dared lose her Hallows snapped.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Harry glanced at the pierced bodies and then at the crying baby. If he strained his ears, he could hear what the redhead kunoichi was whispering to her child. He didn't want to as it was a strictly family only moment.

Harry wasn't that cute baby's family. He was more of a plantlike carnivorous boy's family. Even if they hated each other guts like Weasley and Malfoy hated each other.

Nonetheless, the scene that he was seeing didn't please him. _At all._

When Tobi had told him that he intended to release the Bijuu from the pregnant jinchūriki, Harry had already had some remorse. But now that he was seeing that woman, whose he hadn't even had a word with, sacrificing herself to save her son, it didn't sit well with him.

He gritted his teeth and felt the Beast's chakra invade him and give him more strength. More than he'd ever need.

His mission was achieved, the Bijuu was free and the parents were back to their son's side. Nothing tied him in Konoha anymore.

Nonetheless...

Harry glanced once again at the two bodies that were pierced by the Bijuu's sharp talon and he frowned. He could already see Death and her old mug just above the two dying parents.

The blond guy who had freed his hand from the tree earlier suddenly turned his head and glared at Death before turning his surprisingly still sharp blue eyes at the wizard. Harry blinked slowly when he met the intense look of the ninja and he felt his whole body freeze when the blonde articulated silently something.

'_Can I trust you?_'

The former wizard curtly nodded and felt his chest tighten when he noticed how the blonde stranger was coughing blood.

'_Remember your promise...'_

The Bijuu's chakra suddenly spiralled towards the blonde and the crying child and Harry widened his eyes in surprise. He could feel how the chakra was diminishing and his body didn't appreciate it one bit. It seemed that it liked being in its adult form...

So Harry used the attack that his darling mummy had taught him and that he hated using. Mostly because it reminded him every time he used it that he wasn't a human anymore. Thus, spores came out of his body and floated gently in the air before fusing with the Bijuu's hide. The Nine Tailed Fox screamed as it felt how its chakra was swiftly vanishing, eaten by those two seals and by that unknown menace. Harry gritted his teeth as he felt his skin creak under all that chakra pressure that was steadily increasing and he swiftly cut the connexion with his spores when he knew that he had had enough. However, he let the spores keep sucking the Bijuu's chakra, weakening the beast further so the blonde's dying wish could be realised.

"I... Leave Naru...to in your hands... Tree boy," the blond ninja whispered weakly as the Bijuu disappeared in the baby's seal.

Harry nodded silently and watched the man's life flicker before he looked at the snivelling baby.

"So..." the former survivor said when the silence of the aftermath came upon the desolated place and it became unbearable to his ears, "it's only you and me now... What do you think of it, Naruto?"

The baby sniffed softly and began to wail loudly while cascade of tears ran on his pudgy face. The other boy took him in his arms and rocked him softly.

"Same here," Harry accorded while he ran his hand through his hair. "Huh?"

He slowly moved his hand down and looked at it with a puzzled face. His eyes sparkled with curiosity and he flexed his fingers while he observed the flowers that were slowly growing in place of his nails. Then, he ran that same hand through his unruffled hair and his eyes widened in horror when he clearly felt flowers wither under his fingers. The wizard plucked one of them and took it in front of his eyes to observe it.

"Holy sweet Merlin," he muttered with a frown while Naruto tried to take a hold on the withering flower. It was a tiny flower with an intense color, not that it mattered to Harry, but the strangest was that it had grown from his hair. From his fucking hair that wasn't supposed to be a plant.

His vague notions of Herbology came to his mind and Harry felt himself sick when he remembered that the flowers, besides being pretty and useful for some potions and poisons were something along the reproductive system for plants. Like the place where the future fruit was waiting to be impregnated...

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no," the plant boy shook vividly his head and began to laugh almost hysterically. "That's just your imagination, Potter! I'm sure that even that bastard Zetsu has flowers! Nothing to worry about!"

But it was.

Nonetheless, Harry put those matters aside and decided to worry about something as important, if not more than his sexuality.

Naruto. What the hell was he supposed to do with a baby jinchūriki when he was a plantlike wizard who ate Bijuu's chakra? Use him as his snackfest? (He was pretty sure that the blonde ninja would came back from his grave to kill him if he dared do that...)

Raise him like his son? He had already some practice with Teddy so Harry was pretty sure that he could manage it. Except that he didn't want to go through another teenager crisis when he had enough in his plate. (He still wanted his Harry Junior back, damn it!)

Abandon him and let those Konoha ninjas raise him? Technically, he had realised that promise. The parents had come back to Naruto's side (and had died right away) so he didn't have any connection to the baby... But still... Whenever he remembered the face of the blonde shinobi right before he vanished from existence, Harry felt his chest tighten and he didn't want to feel like shit like this everyday...

Decisions, decisions everywhere.

Harry felt the ground shiver slightly and he quickly jumped on a fallen rock while he watched his little brother's head come out of the ground. Zetsu smirked at him, his sharp teeth gleaming in the light that came out of the fire (Harry still hadn't put the fire out of the place) and both of Madara's creation looked at each other in silence.

"_I see that you have the new jinchūriki_," Zetsu drawled as his whole body came out of the earth.

Harry narrowed his eyes and tightened unconsciously his hold on the baby. Naruto whimpered softly and the wizard rubbed his cheek against the blonde's to soothe him. The baby took a hold on one of Harry's tresses and began playing with some of the flowers that hadn't withered yet.

"I'm thinking of keeping it," Harry retorted as calmly.

Zetsu narrowed his yellow eyes and the other plantlike being tensed. As they had lived together for decades, they knew how the other thought and fought so they both knew that they were about to exchange blows.

"_**You can't betray us**,_" Zetsu said after a while. "_Remember our birth..._ **You're to be with us...**"

Harry growled.

"_I see that you still remember it_," Zetsu commented while his smirk developed in a full snarl. His teeth gleamed once again before disappearing behind his bicolored lips. "**Enjoy your freedom, whelp, it won't last long...**"

Harry snarled and used his grown body to attack his bastard of a brother while carefully shielding Naruto with some of his vines/roots. His left arm pierced Zetsu's chest and the wizard made a feral grin while his brother's blood splattered him. He felt some of White Zetsu's spore try to invade him but he countered them with his own spores.

"_We aren't brothers for nothing_," Zetsu said with his raspy voice. "_For every attack that you have, I have the perfect defence..._"

"I could say the same," Harry retorted as he extirpated the man's heart.

Zetsu dissolved in mud and the green eyed boy frowned.

"A clone," he muttered grimly. "Someday, I'll kill him..."

"I take it as you're finally free to explain what happened here..." an unknown voice suddenly said.

Harry swiftly turned and put his left hand in front of him while he made sure with his right arm that Naruto was safe against his chest. Then, he looked at the older man that was standing tall in front of him, shielded by two masked persons.

"Who at you?" Harry asked sternly. His narrowed eyes took notice of the strange weapons that the elder wielded and his body tensed, if they fought it wouldn't end well. Mostly for Naruto as Harry could now endure anything as his body was full of Bijuu chakra.

"Sarutobi Hiruzen," the elder answered curtly. "And who might you be?"

"Mori Yurushi," the wizard quickly invented. He then took a deep breath and slowly put his hand down before showing the baby that he held in his arms. "A blond shinobi asked me to take care of him. His name is Naruto. What do you intend to do to him?"

Hiruzen held his breath and Harry widened briefly his eyes. So the elder knew about Naruto's name. That meant that he had knew the parents. The plantlike boy relaxed slightly and his eyes softened when he glanced at the still whimpering baby. Poor thing hadn't even had something to eat in his first day on earth... Maybe some sap could help?

Harry closed briefly his eyes and drew the chakra around him as the Bijuu's chakra that now coated his whole body. Then, he made a vine (or was it a root? He didn't want to know) come out of his left hand and presented it to his mouth. He quickly bit off the extremity and tasted the sap before scowling. That wouldn't work. At all. And using vines (root?) to feed a baby would seem pretty perverted now that he thought about it... So help from the village it was...

Harry sighed heavily and met the elder's dark eyes.

"Hiruzen was it?" he asked with a tired voice. "I have something to ask you..."

Sarutobi Hiruzen, former Third Hokage and by the look of things here now current Hokage, felt his blood turn to ice when he met those serious green eyes.

He had never seen that man before (and he was pretty sure that flowery hair like that would have marked him) but Hiruzen could feel the power that the stranger emitted. As he could see how the air vibrated around him from the strenuous chakra he possessed. If the Sage of the Six Paths had really existed, he would have looked like that the Third Hokage mused silently.

"Help me raise Naruto," the stranger implored as he bowed humbly his head. "I know that he has the Nine Tailed Bijuu in him and that it destroyed your Village just now but... Don't abandon him."

Hiruzen rubbed his eyelids and sighed wearily.

'_Minato_,' he thought while he eyed discreetly the stranger with the Fourth's baby. '_You always had the knack to find the most disparate allies...'_

"Fine," he relented. "But you'll have to tell us your real name. And why you were here tonight, mister..."

"Haruichi," Harry said with a small smile. "Mori no Haruichi. But I prefer going by the name Harry."

"Morino?" Hiruzen repeated pensively. "Are you perhaps tied to Morino Ibiki?"

"Am not," the wizard shook his head and glanced at the wailing Naruto. "Could we talk somewhere else? I don't want Naruto to get sick. And I need some powder milk. A lot."

Hiruzen chuckled and quickly sobered when he remembered how much he still had to do that night. He still had to grieve Biwako. And the whole village had to be under repairs...

"A cup of tea sounds nice," he admitted.

But first, he had to find out if that stranger with flowery hair was a danger for Konoha.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Hoshigaki Kisame frowned and downed his canteen of water. However, it didn't stop his thirst and his glare increased tenfolds when Suikazan Fuguki, his teacher, told him that the next stop would be at Sunagakure. And that was at two days of travel.

"Damn that brat," Kisame muttered darkly while he palmed briefly his former injury.

When he had fought against that strange boy made of wood, the bastard had succeeded in slashing his chest and Kisame now arbored a bright new scar in the lovely form of a heart. How the brat had done it, he still couldn't picture it but he now had that damned scar. A heart shaped scar above his heart... How ironic.

So the fact that Kisame was seething in anger was pretty understandable. And when he was ordered by the Mizukage to go straight to Suna and look for Sasori of the Red Sand, Kisame had never been that happy to be sent to kill someone. If that Sasori was the one who created the brat, Kisame would be the one to kill the puppet master. Mostly because creating a brat as annoying as that one was a crime against humanity.

His shark like senses felt something shifting under the sand and Kisame quickly jumped while the sand erupted like something had exploded. The shinobi glanced briefly at the other Swordmen of the mist and nodded to himself when he noticed that only two had been taken by the explosion. It didn't really matter, they were strong and they could survive something like that.

Fuguki came next to his spot and they stood in the shifting sand as they watched a being emerge from the sand.

"What is this?" Fuguki muttered as he took out Samehada.

Kisame felt the sword hiss in his master's hand and frowned. Since some days ago, Samehada had acted strange, almost like it wanted to kill its master. But Fuguki wasn't one to be killed by his own weapon so nothing had happened.

"Seeing your quick reactions," a raspy male voice drawled. "I assume that you are ninjas. Maybe from the Mist?"

"Kisame," Fuguki said sternly as he wielded Samehada and made sure that the moving sand didn't take him away from his pupil. "Stay back. We have finally found him..."

"And you're looking for me," the man jumped out of the moving sands and touched down right in front of the Swordman. "It seems that news of my deserting came out fast..."

"I don't care about that," Kisame suddenly exclaimed as he pushed his master so the latter could avoid a wave of senbon. Knowing Sasori, it was safer to avoid any weapons than to be sorry later when you were poisoned to death... Still, Fuguki fell on the sand with a pained grunt as a senbon had grazed his shoulder. "Are you the one who created that damned brat?!"

The man named Sasori halted his shower of senbon and tilted his head. "Damned brat?" he mused slowly. "I don't have children amongst my puppets..."

"He can grow old in a matter of seconds," Kisame succinctly explained as he had noticed the nuke-nin's curiosity. "Entirely made of wood and his blood's green. Doesn't sound familiar?"

"A... _Living_ puppet?" Sasori muttered. He raised a hand and a form, similar to a colossal human-like scorpion, came out of the moving sand. The sand quieted down and the redhead rubbed pensively his chin. "You met a living puppet?"

"So you don't have any connection to that brat," Kisame grumbled. "Damn..."

"This brat that you talk about," the master puppeteer said. "Where was he last sighted?"

"Who knows," the sharklike young man shrugged. "He seemed pretty air-headed , like even he doesn't know where to go next... Maybe he'll go after you."

"What is its name?"

"Dunno," Kisame was beginning to grow annoyed. He had walked under that scorching sun for nothing and sharks didn't like being that far from the water.

Samehada hissed in the sand and Kisame smirked. It seemed that they shared the same opinion about the weather in Suna.

"Those news were pretty interesting," Sasori commented as he turned and walked towards his scorpion puppet. "In thanks, I won't kill you today."

Kisame frowned and made a move to attack the puppeteer. However, Fuguki's grunt of pain stopped him and he quickly turned to tend to his master's injuries.

Meanwhile, Sasori rubbed pensively his chin and smirked to himself.

'_A living puppet_,' he thought as his smirk widened. _'I need to see it.._.'

⊂((・x・))⊃

As someone who was half plant, half human, Harry had some problems to notice how the time passed. To him, days and nights passed and were all the same and remembering a precise moment was pretty impossible. Sometimes, he even wondered how Zetsu could be a good spy if they shared the same problem.

So when he noticed that Naruto was now big enough to crawl in the dingy apartment that the Third Hokage had given him, Harry flipped. He hadn't even realised that Naruto could crawl and the baby was now doing it just in front of him! How could he call himself a good father if he didn't even notice those kind of things?

(Yes, he had finally decided to be Naruto's father as the baby's parents return was pretty much impossible right now...)

Thus Harry decided to write down each and every move from the happy baby. Specifically when the latter was playing outside.

"Are you ready, Naruto?" Harry asked and he smiled when he saw the baby nod energetically while raising his hands.

The green eyed male took the baby in his arms and they both sighed in happiness as Naruto was now in his favourite person's hold and Harry was simply happy because the Bijuu's chakra that Naruto arbored was feeding him. And that it was easier like this to conserve his teenager body. People suspected less a teenager so Harry had decided to take that appearance. He now looked like that Yurushi guy from Yugakure but had kept his eyes. Naruto seemed to enjoy theit colour so it wasn't that bad.

They got out of their dingy but sunny apartment and Harry went down the stairs while Naruto played happily with his adoptive father's hair. The flowers had vanished since long ago but there still were buds amongst his raven tresses. Harry tried to not think about it as even Zetsu hadn't hair like that. (Well, he had grass in place of hair so... Harry wasn't sure who was to pity more between them)

They got out of the building and Harry greeted Teuchi who was opening his store and Naruto gave a scream of pure happiness when he noticed the cooker. Since he had ate some of Teuchi's ramen, Naruto had been adamant at showing that he loved ramen. It didn't really annoy Harry but the baby was no more than five months old... Eating ramen wasn't supposed to be in a baby's diet.

"Morning, Haruichi!" Ayame, Teuchi's daughter, said with a bright smile and a slight blush.

The teenager greeted her with a smile and Naruto waved happily before they left to go to the playground. Harry was half plant so he needed to go out at least two times per day while Naruto simply loved being with him and moving around so playground it was.

They arrived in the playground and Harry went to the sandbox where he carefully put Naruto and sat by the baby's side. Making sure that nobody saw it, the wizard made some roots come out of his legs and hid them in the sand where they dug until they found earth. Once his roots were in the earth, Harry let out a sigh of happiness and flopped down while Naruto began to play with the sand and tried to make sandcastles on the former wizard. Not that the latter cared as he was now basking in the sunlight and eating some of the residual Bijuu's chakra that seemed to seep from time to time from Naruto's navel.

Was this what peace felt like?

Harry sighed softly and let the sound of Naruto's laughter lull him while the crickets began to sing around them.

If this was peace, Harry loved it.

⊂((・x・))⊃

Hiruzen frowned and crossed his hands on his desk while he eyed his advisors. While Utatane Koharu and Mitokado Homura were sitting with straight faces and their eyes decided in front of his desk, Shimura Danzō was standing behind them with arms folded on his chest.

"What is the reason of such a reunion?" Hiruzen inquired while he sipped quietly his cup of lemon tea. Harry had introduced him to that kind of tea and since that day, the Hokage hadn't stopped drinking it. It did wonders whenever something went wrong. Like now.

"We can't trust that Mori no Haruichi," Koharu said sternly. "We know nothing about him."

"Except that he attacked without any reason the Mizukage and killed the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist," Homura added calmly.

Danzō didn't add anything else but his only eye showed that he approved what the two other advisors had said.

"And you are here because Haruichi is taking care of Naruto?" Hiruzen pondered while he took another sip of his tea. He would soon need another one as it seemed that this little reunion wouldn't been as short as he had previously thought.

"Why are we even letting that danger stay next to the boy?" Koharu exclaimed with a frown. "He shouldn't be in Konoha! He isn't one of our shinobis."

"Haruichi isn't a shinobi," the Hokage stated with a shrug. "But if he didn't take care of Naruto, who would?"

Koharu and Homura exchanged a glance and they both shrugged slightly while Danzō coughed politely.

"Well," the latter said calmly. "I could take him with me. Root is always ready to welcome a jinchūriki..."

Hiruzen narrowed his eyes and the two other advisors tensed when they felt the surge of chakra coming from the two former rivals.

"What if Haruichi proved his loyalty to Konoha?" the Third Hokage proposed as if Danzō hadn't said anything.

Nobody commented it and the seconds passed in a heavy silence while Hiruzen and Danzō glared at each other.

"If Mori no Haruichi did pass by the Torture and Information and came out clean," Homura finally piped as he rubbed pensively his chin. "I assume that we all would feel reassured about him..."

"He'd never come out clean," Danzō scoffed and Hiruzen couldn't help but agree. "But I'm curious to know what Inoichi would find in his mind..."

"He'd find nothing at all," the Third Hokage muttered while he kneaded his forehead. He had finished his lemon tea and was already feeling withdrawal... "Inoichi already tried to read his mind the first day we met Haruichi..."

"He's dangerous," Homura said grimly. "Should we execute him?"

"Mori no Haruichi had a civilian status," Hiruzen exclaimed loudly while he hit his desk with his palm. "You can't be saying that you're ready to kill a civilian when the only thing he did was defending himself and raising an orphan!"

"Then make him a shinobi," Koharu added her two cents and everyone froze.

Make Mori no Haruichi a ninja? That teenager wearing disguises all the time and raising the jinchūriki of the infamous Nine Tails?

"Well," Danzō drawled as he chuckled darkly. "He seems ready to be a tokubetsu jonin... If he makes it, I'll take him in my squadron."

"No," Hiruzen shook his head and stood so he could loom over his advisors. "If Mori no Haruichi can pass the genin and jonin tests, he'll go in ANBU. I already know where to put him."

Hearing the finality in his words, the three advisors bowed briefly their heads and left the room. Once he was sure to be alone, Hiruzen called his secretary and ordered lemon tea. A lot of lemon tea.

Now, if only Harry didn't flip when he heard about his incoming tests...

⊂((・x・))⊃

It took them three years before they even contested his presence in Konoha. All in all, Harry was pretty proud of himself.

He had raised Naruto the best he could, giving him ramen whenever the baby did something really good (yes, like one would do with an animal...) and tried to give him a balanced diet. Key word being tried.

Because Naruto had the best puppy eyes in the whole Konoha. Seriously, they were even better than Harry's and that was something as Harry's had succeeded in making THE Uchiha Madara bow. (He had bought a gallon of ice cream that day. Harry still cackled whenever he thought of his mummy's horrified face)

But still, they had come to that.

"Mori no Haruichi," a shinobi wearing a boar mask said as he appeared right in front of the plant boy. "Follow us."

Harry raised a brow and carefully put Naruto in his arms while he eyed the other ninja, a kunoichi this time, who was idly sitting on a shop roof.

"I can't travel on the roofs," Harry said calmly when he saw the Boar mask jump to join the kunoichi.

The woman tsk-ed and threw a kunai. Harry raised a hand and caught it swiftly while he held Naruto in his other arm. The baby cooed happily and the teenager narrowed his eyes.

"Careful," he hissed.

The kunoichi barked a mocking laugh and jumped so she could come in front of the plantlike teen.

"So you're the civilian who adopted the jinchūriki?" she said as her brown eyes twinkled with amusement. "You don't look that strong..."

"Maybe because I'm not," Harry retorted as he shrugged.

If mummy had heard him, he would have had a stroke. What a pity that the old man was already dead.

"Follow us, twig boy!" the kunoichi laughed mockingly before vanishing in a whirlpool of leaves.

Harry sighed and glanced briefly at the masked shinobi.

"Am I forced to follow her?" he inquired as he felt his skin crawl.

It seemed that those three years of peace and inactivity had been enough for his body and core.

Naruto clapped happily and Harry sighed again while roots came out of his back and moved themselves until they formed a bundle on his back. The wizard put the baby in it and, once he was sure that Naruto wouldn't fall, he cracked his articulations and smirked when he felt the Glamor on him shiver and vanish briefly. The shinobi didn't seem that surprised when he saw the normal looking teenager change and become a younger boy, somewhere in his earlier teens, with skin that looked like bark and long hair covered in dark bulbs.

"_Haruichi_ huh?" the masked ninja commented. "That name fits you to a tee..."

"That's what Mummy said before dying," Harry chirped before he vanished with a startling crack.

The ninja blinked slowly behind his mask and gulped when he realised what had just happened.

'_That boy can use the Flying Thunder God Jutsu!_' he thought with alarm.

The Hokage needed to know it.

⊂((・x・))⊃

"So, what did you want to do with me, Hiruzen?" Harry asked once he apparated in the room where the Hokage was seating with two young males in front of him and a scarred adult between the two youngsters.

"Hello to you too, Harry," Hiruzen sighed before brightening when he caught a glimpse of Naruto's hair. "And to you too, Naruto!"

"Jiji!" the young boy squealed happily.

The shinobi behind the two unknown youngsters shifted slightly and Harry glanced at him briefly before looking once again at the Hokage.

"I don't suppose it's our day of enjoying tea and talking about Naruto's cuteness," Harry stated calmly while he took Naruto out of his bundle of wood and made the roots come back in his back. "Why did you call me here?"

"Coming here with Naruto being unscratched was your test," the elder explained patiently. "Congratulations on passing your genin test, Harry!"

The teenager narrowed his eyes and he scowled when he felt the chakra around him tense. Hiruzen was nervous. Almost like he feared his reaction (mostly because he knew how Harry could be rancorous). If Naruto was going to be like Harry when he reached his teens, Hiruzen needed to brace himself. Konoha wouldn't survive against those two pranksters...

"What?" he simply said as he couldn't grasp what the hell was going on.

"Your test was to get to the Hokage's tower without being touched by Anko's attack and my genjutsus," the masked shinobi appeared suddenly by the Third's side and Harry blinked.

What was with those ninjas that always appeared from nowhere in silence? At least, the wizards made sound when apparating! That wasn't fair!

"And you passed with flying colours," Hiruzen completed sternly. "You didn't go after Anko and used your own powers to make sure that Naruto was safe with you... We could almost say that you passed the test too well."

Harry's scowl deepened.

"What?" he repeated. "What the hel..."

"No curses, Dad!" Naruto chirped from Harry's arms.

The wizard was startled and stopped short from blowing his fuse.

"Thus," Hiruzen added while the teenager tried to regain his bearings. "This is your genin squad, Uchiha Shisui and Uchiha Itachi. And don't forget about your teacher, Morino Ibiki."

"_What_?" Harry was now like a broken disk.

Why was he always saddled with the Uchiha?! It was like a damn curse!

⊂((・x・))⊃

"So this is the last place where he was sighted?" a redhead muttered from the interior of his puppet.

They didn't even have puppets here... Nor a decent hidden village.

But Sasori wasn't worried. Sometimes, you could find diamonds amongst the scoria...

He entered the Hidden Village of the Hot Waters with Hiruko and frowned when he noticed how lax the security was and how many civilians and tourist were there.

"Fucking pathetic shit!"

Sasori raised an intrigued brow and moved Hiruko towards the circle of people that was just in front of a big onsen. That voice had sounded pretty young. And annoyed.

The master puppeteer's aura was enough to fray his way trough the population and Sasori's curiosity only increased when he saw what had caused all that commotion.

It was a young boy, nearing his thirteens maybe, who was wielding a strange scythe with two blades. Also, the teen had traced a strange mark on the ground and was standing his ground against a group of angry men. Amongst those annoyed as hell men, there was one whose neck was heavily bleeding, almost as much as the teen's and Sasori presumed that they both were nearing their death. However, when the man fell dead and the teen continued cussing at the men, the puppeteer felt his curiosity increase tenfolds.

Maybe that undying boy was connected to that strange living puppet?

⊂((・x・))⊃

"You seemed pretty calm during those last three years," Tobi commented as he appeared by Zetsu's side.

The carnivorous shinobi ignored him and continued looking at the tall grass of the land of Grass.

"_Making all of those White Zetsu cost us more without Harry being next to us_," he finally said.

"Ah... Harry," the Uchiha muttered as he rubbed his chin. "You still haven't explained why he had those..."

"_**Female appendages**_," Zetsu cut the chase right there. "_They are there so we can produce our offspring_. **Not that we want to touch that whelp...**"

Tobi shivered (be it in disgust or horror) and shook vividly his head.

"But there were just flowers!" he stated while frowning under his orange mask.

"_Of course they are flowers_," Zetsu said as if he couldn't believe Tobi's stupidity. "_What were you expecting? Breasts? We don't have any use of that..._ **And the whelp would have killed Madara-sama if he had given him breasts...**"

Tobi sighed, talking about Harry always gave him headaches.

"So," he tried to resume. "Harry isn't a girl?"

"_Being a girl doesn't matter... But we were made so producing offsprings would be easier with his help..._"

"In term of mammals," Tobi interrupted Zetsu as he had once again been disrupted by strange mental pictures. "Who's the girl and who's the boy?"

Zetsu stayed silent for some minutes and Tobi's jitters didn't end there. He wanted to know what was Harry precisely. Maybe that would help him discover more about the boy/girl's real identity. And powers.

Because even Madara didn't know them fully.

"_I'd say_," White Zetsu began and was that hesitation in his voice? "_Harry has the flowers waiting to be pollinated... Isn't that something along female's impregnation?_ **But this one is the one who bears the offsprings...**"

"Isn't that like the seahorses?" Tobi commented idly.

So Harry was genetically female then?

Gods, that was so messed up...

* * *

**What about a little preview of the insanity that will come in the next chapter?**

_"What are you doing?"_

_"It's called '_groping someone's assets_'!"_

_"Why are you doing it?"_

_"Because Uchiha have the best butts!"_

_"Don't come closer!"_

_"Awww... He's shy~"_

**Review?**


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